Love and Affection

I'm really good at making people feel bad. I know exactly what to say to make someone feel like shit. I can use a single word to make someone feel stupid, ugly, guilty, worthless, or just deeply hurt. I can twist words to make anything an insult. Most of the time, I do it jokingly, but when I get angry, I do it maliciously. It's a million times worse.

And sometimes, I don't even need words. With just a look, I can make someone feel the things I can make them feel with my words. I can make someone fear me by simply narrowing my eyes ever so slightly. I can slide my eyes across someone as if they're not really there. I can smile patronisingly while displaying blatant derision in my eyes.

I've done all these things deliberately so many times. I'm really good at making people feel bad.

Want to know what I'm totally lousy at? Love and affection. I'm good at feeling those things, but I just can't express them. It's too hard.

I don't like to say "I love you." The "L word" is so over-used. People say they love all kinds of things. "I love Johnny Depp." "I love chicken wings." "I love Spongebob Squarepants." And then, "I love you." So you feel the same way towards me as you feel towards some American actor you've never met, dead animal body parts fried in oil and a cartoon about a stupid square sea sponge? Why, thank you!

I'm not good at physical displays of affection, either. Because I don't like touching. No hugs. People do that too much, too. Insincerely. Yuck. I never touch people without meaning it, whether it's an affectionate gesture like a hug, or another affectionate gesture like a punch. A gentle punch, that is. I never touch people with violence. I rarely touch people with affection, either. So if you're touched by me, you know you mean a lot to me. Okay, I'm using the word "touch" too much, and it's creeping me out.

It would be easier to show love if I was a cat. I love rubbing faces with cats, they're so soft and furry and sometimes they smell fishy, but I would love that too, if I was a cat. And imagine how good a giant human hand stroking gently down your neck would feel. Purrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So how do I show affection? Haphazardly. I do strange things, like insulting my friends or punching and poking them, baking lots of cookies for everyone and giving them a special packet of cookies, or making them vulgar and insulting but very personal cards. When I see their pets, I tell them that I love them, instead of telling their owners. I fervently defend my friends against people who can potentially hurt them but haven't even done anything yet. And when they don't listen and come back to me crying, I try very hard to comfort them without saying "I told you so, dumbass."

These actions don't get the message through, though. Obviously. "Like your face" does not translate to "I love you" to most people.

I'm learning, though. I'm trying to learn how to make people feel good. Maybe one day, I'll be good at that.