Weight

I can't tell you how often I feel desperately frustrated. How many times I want to kick and scream violently and throw things and bawl like a child. But that's an awful waste of emotion. Instead, I retain all that, process it and let it out carefully as words and colours on my eyelids and dreams and quiet tears in the middle of the night.

It is so easy to deal with my mental weakness when I feel physically strong. When my body is energised and capable, it's not hard to prevent irrational fear and leftover pain from getting in my way. But it is difficult to be mentally strong when I'm not physically strong. I raised my voice in anger thrice today. I don't know how much longer I can last before I start to kick and scream violently.

I keep losing weight. My poor, swollen large intestine fails to absorb nutrients. It barely absorbs water. I hardly have the energy to get up in the morning, much less retain muscle mass. At such a time, it's almost impossible to be emotionally strong. I wake up exhausted, sit through classes indifferently and fall asleep with tired tears on my face. Thinking straight is fatiguing. I'll surely collapse after I'm done writing.

And you know what really gets on my nerves? People who vomit so that they won't gain weight. I spend hundreds of dollars on drugs so that nutrients that are meant to go in my body won't go straight into a toilet bowl, while those people stick fingers in their throats and willingly flush the nutrients down.  What  a  waste.   At least anorexics are considerate; they only waste their own body's tissues.

I'm not condoning anorexia, though. I feel very sorry for girls who have psychological issues with their bodies and become disgustingly thin. I don't fully understand them, but it makes me sad. Is their self-esteem inversely proportionate to their weight? Are they so insecure that they need to achieve extreme minuteness in order to feel good about themselves? Do they enjoy the sympathy and attention? Do they think they look like models instead of clothes hangers? Do they hope for men to feel protective towards them, seeing how small and weak they are? Does other insecure girls' jealousy of their boniness give them satisfaction? Do they believe that they don't deserve to be healthy? Do they feel small inside and want their appearance to match?

That is a lot of speculation. If anybody knows the answers, please let me know.

One reason for weight issues I haven't considered is pressure from society. Come on. It's true that society is full of flaws but you can't blame it for everything. You are part of society, anyway. You can change its unrealistic standards. Succumbing to them is your choice. Not society's.