Apathy

Hold me up into the light.

Fix the cracks and fix them right.

Keep the pieces in a drawer.

Keep them there for ever more.

May come in useful some day.

Recycle this shit in some way.

- Throw Me Away, Korn

Please do not be disturbed by the last entry. I'll tell you about it if you promise not to ask questions. Although this might disturb you more.

I was ill and under a lot of stress. I was losing sleep and losing weight and losing to those who kept attacking me even though they saw that I was losing, unsatisfied until I had totally broken down.

I mean totally. Literally shaking uncontrollably and sobbing hopelessly. It terrified me.

But it did nothing to them. Watching others suffer is nothing to them. It dismays me that there are such people in the world, and that I have to be their victim.

This must be why I feel so much the pain of others. Having endured so much apathy, I can never be apathetic towards anyone in any situation.

At the moment, this is rather crippling, as I lie awake at night suffering for others and let narcissists take advantage of my empathy and cause men to mistake compassion for romantic interest. But rest assured that I will eventually find a way to turn this peculiar proficiency in pain into part of my niche.

For now, though, there is a more urgent task to tackle. I lost 3 kilograms last week. I cannot stand the sight of my body. It is time to move on from the weight maintenance diet to a weight gain diet. High protein; high calories.

Time to eat.